What would you tell your younger self? -A question asked to a leader panelist at Indiana State University (ISU) during a STEAM innovation class.

In response to an exhilarating, thought provoking, STEAM class at ISU, this blog article emerged.  I had explained to Dr. Malone that soon I was going to write my response to her class and asked for her to share.

Upon hearing the question, my first reaction to this question was, how cliché.  Then the wheels started turning, “Wait, how old is my younger self?”.  The ISU student responded to my question, “18”.  Well, darn it I thought, I’m not the panelist with that question to answer. 

When I was 18, what I needed to hear and believe was that “You are going to be ok”.  Internally my pain was deep, my smile was a way to hide that from others.  Anxiety disorder was not something we talked about.  Sadly, we did not talk about anything that was not positive.  But this really is not about how deep the pain was at 18, it is about what I needed to hear and believe.  

As creatures, we are continuously changing.  Who you are today may not be who you are tomorrow.  We are a manifestation of DNA and experiences that evolve into our present self.  We pick what we let in and how we perceive it.  Or do we?  There are so many messages, some can be harmful to our growth.  Keep all your senses open and live in the moment.  That way you can pick out the stuff that is trying to get you to buy the quarter pounder with cheese, LOL!

Keep trying things you thought you may not enjoy or did not enjoy.  As we change, so do our likes and dislikes.  Maybe last year you did not like running when you tried it.  Then you learned to breathe for endurance.  So, you decide to try running and you find out that you like it.  This really happened to me.  I used to say, “Oh, I don’t like running, blah, blah, blah”.  Guess what?  I love the runner’s high (somewhere around mile 10-12).

Life is not easy and everyone has a story, failure is, inevitably part of life.  Resilience is something that can help with failures and is a learnable trait.  After the failure of my 22-year marriage, the broken me had to learn that everything that I once thought was not the reality now.  Life slowly became this beautiful enigma to be enjoyed for what it is.  Not what I expect it to be.  I am privileged to have this growth opportunity.  The beautiful thing is I now can hear the words, “You are going to be ok”. 

We all have an ending.  There are no rules on when that happens either.  That is why it is so important for me to live in the moment and accept people for who they are.  When my mother passed away in December, I missed her like crazy, but had so many found memories to fall back on.  Since then, my life became a lot like the move The List.  I will not ruin the movie for you, instead I will let you know my List story.

Around 1 am, the day my mom ends up leaving this world, she calls me from her downstairs bedroom.  Half dazed, I sprint down a flight of steps and enter her room.  She had not been feeling well over the last few days.  Her dear friend was going to have heart surgery, and she was worrying a lot.  Yep, she also had the nonstop brain like me.  A bit of a worry wart, which is putting it mildly.

She shared her sorrow for not making it to Christmas.  Told me to take care of myself and the boys.  Asked me to settle down, stop being so busy, to learn to let my heart open and not to let any man get under my skin.  Unfortunately, she saw a lot of tears over the past year.  Getting these messages from my mother were very important for my growth.

After her passing I found several little notes.  They would pop up here and there, ironically at the times I needed them the most.  The most remarkable discovery was the suitcase of memories, including a letter I sent her.  It held two stories that I wrote.  Both were very important for me to read at that time.

The first story was a fun read.  I pick unavailable men still, OH MY GOSH, some things do not change.  The second story stopped me in my tracks.  In my advanced writing class, I wrote about what I wanted to see in 2025, almost 30 years later.  Keep in mind, I did not watch The List yet.  The reason I am telling you this is because, sometimes your past-self talks to your present-self too.  STAY open to receive the messages. 

After reading it I realized that all the beliefs and things that I valued are still there, they were just suppressed.  I kept a lot of who I was undercover to try and make my marriage work.  Very similar to the 18-year-old fake smile.  What I have come to terms with is, I did the right thing at that time.  Remember, no regrets, learning.      

Present me gets excited to learn new things, with my heart open, I feel like a little kid.  I feel so alive, appreciative, take nothing for granted.  it is such a great feeling learning and being my authentic self.  If you ever feel so sad you just cannot get out of bed, go talk to someone.  Connection is so important.  Or be around someone.  Sometimes we just want to be held.  And remember, “You are going to be OK.”